This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
