Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Randomize
