I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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