I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
