And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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