she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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