Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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