She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
