Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
