My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
