There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
