dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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