Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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