I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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