guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
