you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
