beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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