Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize