afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize