i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
