1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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