guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize