I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
