You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
