got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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