I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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