At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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