so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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