Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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