She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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