i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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