dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
