don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
