I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize