hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize