Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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