hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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