Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
