I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize