dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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