No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
