I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
