If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize