when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
