She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize