Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
