I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was born a porn star she said
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
