Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
