Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
