I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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