You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
