wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
