Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
