I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
