I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
