I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
