I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
