But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
