I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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