do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
