I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
